when insanity becomes normal.

i don't know why. but it just seems that i have a feeling that his is going to be a pretty long post.

its the first time in a long time. that i didn't cry myself to sleep. and i myself don't know how i managed to do it. all i know is that i felt really free. i even had energy to do my almost impossilbe 30 crunches. and do other toning stuffs before i sleep. i laid my head on my pillow. thought about what happened. and i felt happy. not really happy happy. it was more like contented. instead of happy. i can't even describe it. i feel so stupid all of a sudden. maybe i am. who knows.

its communicatons today. we're doing ethics. hooray. i think there is going to be alot of conflict in the class. currently we're doing the conflict on abortion. and DIY abortion. which i have no idea how it is done. jump until the baby comes out. eat pineapples. or water melons. or continually hit their tummy until the baby comes out or something. gosh. there is so much to say about this. and there are so many factors to think about. and so many different views.

we're about to do another video. we've done so many videos. and they're all on youtube. its damn funny. i think my class is addcited. our new one. i'm the slut. hahas. and i get killed. oh shit. die of food poisoning. lets all say hooray. vanessa danilee lee li ting is going to die. AMANDA. DO MY FUNERAL K? i love you all.

FRIEND;
this is for you. i don't know if you can read this. or even get to. you don't have to worry about me alright? i think you worry too much. especially about me. its like a job or something. to worry about me. don't alright? it won't help you or me if you keep worrying. it will give you wrinkles! i'l eat all my meal properly. i'll be even more stable. in every sense of the word.
let me say thank you. to one of the greatest friend a girl could have. i kow you told me that you only accept hugs. especially long ones. i know i give amazing hugs. and i promise not to cry. i promise. even though i might feel that i won't be able to control myself. hugs usually make me cry. anyway. back to my point. thank you for constatly being there. for being so accepting me even though i'm so screwed up and so unstable. thank you for making me laugh. for making me happy when i'm miserable. there are just so much more things to thank you for. you will get your due thanks.
i gave you so many presents. you still have my baby pictures. and the book you were supposed to give me last christmas. you got so many stuffed toys. some might think that you're a girl in disguise. but if anything happens. don't give anything back to me alright? maybe my pictures. but thats all alright? i don't want anything returned to me. you rock! alot alot alot! love!
don't be upset. if you think that i mean it if i said that i don't love you anymore. last night, i was only being sarcastic. don't take it to heart. don't cry. cause i still love you. i can't believe you ever doubted me. you actually believed that i said that? you big fat fool! even though i can't hold you. or kiss you. or openly tell you how much i love you and need you. don't be stupid. even though i cannot affectionately call you "baby" or "dear". but this is what you are in my heart. i will never stop loving. i will never stop waiting. you told me that i should not be there for you anymore if i dont love you. well. maybe i'll be here for you for a really long time. because i haven't found a way to stop loving you. i know you care about me. but i didn't know it was to an extent like this. you said that if i didn't love you anymore. you would cry. but why? but you don't seem to want to tell me. why not? it just seems that there is just too much that you're not telling me. are you afraid that i'll think too much. do i worry you? i love you. i really do. but do you still? you give me the impression that you still do. technically, you should be relieved that i don't love you anymore. so why cry and be upset? i don't know whats going on in your head. and i hope that you can tell me. you say that i'm still a huge part in your life. but how can i be if you don't tell me anything? if you continue to keep things from me? is this right? i don't know. almost wanted to end it off with a baby there. stupid me. it was a long time ago. should forget and i can't. be paitent with me. but i still love you baby.